SuNsHiNe DaIsY

There's a butterfly in the room
Beautiful colors; fresh wind brought her in.
She flies around and fills this empty room with life.
I watch her as she slowly folds her wings
And lands on the cold white floor.
There she stays, as the clock ticks time away...
Tic toc tic toc tic toc
Tic toc tic toc tic toc
I try to tell her to go away
This room is cold and dark
Her colors will soon start to fade...
But alone she sits, waiting for something more.
A gentle breeze to fly her out?
No, at this time of night the air is calm
Too calm, in fact, for anything or anyone to get you out.
Leave, stop, it's still time...
I focus my attention on something else
Time ticks away fast, faster, fastest.
The butterfly has not left the room.
Is it just me or are her colors going black?
I'm alone in the room.
It's a cold, dark room.

I can do this. Day 100 is right around the corner.
How can I miss it?
I can do this. That's what I keep telling myself.
I can do this. Nothing's going to bring me down.

Not even the silence.
It won't bring me down.

Because I am strong.

My nerves are failing,
but I am strong.
And God is all-powerful.

Through Him, I can do this.

A few wrong words,
Some unkindly remarks,
Voice raised loud.
A brisk walk down the stairs,
Then turns off the light.
A sweet innocent reply,
more unkindly remarks.
Hurting and harsh,
a small voice is silenced.
Something feels tempting...
A thought is born, another one killed...
Temptation; shot, reborn, then smashed.
Don't let anyone get hurt.
Unsuspecting,
another loud noise awakens the soul.
Shivers, a chill, salt water in eyes,
a bad thought seems pleasant...
Temptation rekindled;
decision now made!
Past voices are haunting,
visiting the mind like memorized lines...
Oh, that they were.
Memorized, almost.
Here they come again.
Haunting, screaming, mocking.
How sad, what a pity,
but the mind wanders off.
As if that wasn't enough,
again a scolding occurs.
What is this?
Oh voices, don't mock,
it's been enough for tonight.
Pathetic and prideful,
and sometimes it burns.

College stresses me out. For something that began as an institution where one could go with the sole purpose of gaining more knowledge, universities are becoming more of a norm and less of an intellectual option.

Yes, I love to learn. I can sit down and listen to someone rant for hours about a topic they are passionate about. I pride myself on being a good listener, and if the topic happens to interest me too, I'm likely to remember most of that information.

But college is not doing that for me. Here I am, about to finish my second year, and still being obliged to take classes that I have absolutely no interest in and that I could care less if I were to be called ignorant on the subject. Why is this being forced upon us? Will it really impact my life not knowing that [z] is a fricative alveolar voiced consonant? Yeah, I don't think so either.

Here is my idea of a perfect university:

1) You can go to college for as long as you want, whenever you want, and not even declare a major. Now, of course you wouldn't be getting a degree for this, but you would be learning a heck of a lot more and probably getting more sleep (and thus leading healthier lives).

2) At the end of a course, you can choose whether or not to take a final exam. If you think you can do well, you can take it and show it on your résumé. If not, at least you learned something.

3) You don't need to do the assignments (this kind of goes along with #2). Now, obviously you would benefit by being responsible and obeying your instructor, but if you just don't have the time, you don't have to do anything and you can just keep learning stuff in class.

4) You don't need to graduate (also somewhat repeating myself here). If you want a nice fancy frame for your foyer, or you're going to med school or some other genius educational program, go ahead. If you're only here to learn, keep learning! Don't stop now! Spend your entire life in college, paying just for the courses you register for, taking the exams you wish to take and enjoying the experience.

As you probably noticed by now, I HAVE NO CLUE WHAT TO DO WITH MY LIFE. It makes college that much harder. I don't know what path to follow. It doesn't help that I'm pressured for time and expectations. Also, I have poor time management (horrible, actually), and no matter how many time-management seminars and workshops I go to, I can't seem to figure it out. I love planning, I just suck at following through with my hour-by-hour, neatly-decorated, colored-coded, oh-so-pretty schedule.

Okay. Enough of that. I have an essay to write.

Vuelvo mi cabeza cada dos segundos para ver si estás ahí.

Mil mariposas en mi estómago esperan tu llegada.

Voy a verte reír y mirarte a los ojos.

Es la parte más feliz de mi día.

Tú... me haces feliz.

... y mi mente se debate entre el consuelo o la condena...

Aquí estoy, sentada a la orilla de un precipicio, bajo un inmenso árbol... Miro hacia abajo como corren los pajaritos sobre la arena, ¡parecen hormigas picoteando su comida! Las olas resuenan, el ruido es ensordecedor, pero qué tranquilidad se respira aquí. Revienta una ola y vuelan las gaviotas a la orilla. El sol aún está visible, pero al frente mío ya se acerca al horizonte... y como es típico de un atardecer, el viento comienza a soplar más fuerte y los rayos del sol se alejan. Se va perdiendo el calor y mis dedos se congelan. Mi corazón salta confundido y se adelanta a una especulación, pero lo detengo. La marea sube y los surfistas se retiran. Por la playa corren personas con su MP3 en mano y pienso de lo que se están perdiendo al no detenerse a escuchar el hermoso ruido de la naturaleza. Aún falta para que el sol acaricie al mar, pero el frío me comienza a envolver y me recuerda que aún es invierno. Mis uñas oscurecen congeladas; mis dedos se entorpecen, y con ellos mi puño lentamente se va rindiendo... y mi lápiz con esto se detiene.

The door is closed and here I lay

Behind the light in this cold dark room.

A shadow is moving right outside

and my heart skips just a beat.

Tears can't fall, they're frozen inside

Uncomfortably numb at what happens.

Here I lay encircled by death traps

and the shadow outside my door keeps moving

oblivious to the fact that someone behind it

is curled up on the bed,

scared to death of being alive.

People continue their daily routine

Ignoring the door they pass

When all it takes is a knock

To save someone's life...

I force some tears out

But nothing feels real

I forgot how to cry.

And nothing feels real

NOTHING FEELS REAL.

I threw up my heart.

And now I want it back.